Last week, I attended the Mindfulness in Psychotherapy Summit, where Dr Susan Pollak held a lecture on mindfulness and self-compassion. It made me go back to basics, thinking about attuning to ourselves and to our needs first before helping others to reduce depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms and improve our resilience for well-being. 

What is self-compassion?

“The simplest way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend,” says Pollak. What kind of language would you use with them? How would you treat them?

Common misconceptions of self-compassion

However, there are some misconceptions when it comes to self-compassion such as:

• Self-compassion will make me lazy. I know I will stay in bed all day, not go to work and binge on Netflix. 

• Self-compassion will not make me get ahead in life. I want to succeed. 

• I need to be tough to survive. Self-compassion will make me weak.

Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean that you are lazy or the need to hide from your painful feelings. Self-compassion is about attending to your own suffering and difficulties, motivating you to navigate these hardships, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. It is about wanting health and well-being for yourself because you care. 

Benefits of practising self-compassion 

• Helps us to see the bigger picture.

• Can help us to be more caring in relationships and be less selfish. 

• Self-compassion increases well-being and resilience to stress and trauma. 

• Helps us to turn to painful feelings without overwhelming ourselves. 

• Can be a form of emotional regulation as it reduces emotional numbing.

Compassion practices can transform the way we relate to ourselves and others. And by paying attention to our thoughts, feelings and actions, we are open to loving ourselves for who we are, with all our imperfections. 

Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care. 

Self-compassion in practice

When experiencing hardships in life, people often feel isolated and disconnected from others. Thinking, that it is somehow unusual or strange to fail, to have weaknesses, or to suffer. This, however, can lead to a question such as “Why me?” causing strong feelings of separation.

And while it might seem obvious that we all go through personal suffering, many of us don’t actually pause to acknowledge our own pain, being too busy judging ourselves or trying to problem-solve. But having compassion for ourselves is about acknowledging the fact that we are all imperfect and going through suffering.

Layers of self-compassion:  

• self-kindness — being kind and understanding toward ourselves during times of difficulty;

• common humanity — seeing our experiences as part of the human condition and not as separate and isolate from those around us;

• mindfulness — awareness of the present experience with acceptance.

Self-kindness

Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with ourselves rather than being strongly critical or judgmental. But that doesn’t mean that we have to accept ourselves straight away. We can move slowly through the practice of self-kindness, in our own pace. Tweaking the practices to our own needs.

Below, we will look at some techniques on where to start. But being kind to ourselves is about accepting that there is no set way of doing things. We are all different. Therefore, forgiving ourselves when things don’t go as we expected can help ease the pressure we put on ourselves at all times.

Common humanity

Self-compassion honours the fact that all human beings have strengths and weaknesses. It acknowledges the reality that we are imperfect human beings who all experience suffering. 

Being compassionate is about the difference in relating to yourself when not reaching your goals. Forgiving yourself that you did the best you could at a given moment and not exaggerating our own problems. Acknowledging that other people are facing their own hardships and difficulties. Compassion practices help us to create connection, and challenge our assumptions of separation and aloneness from others.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is an important part of self-compassion. As described above, it is about being in the present moment with all our thoughts and feelings. If we manage to stay in the present, we start creating freedom and openness in ourselves and not get stuck in our past or future worries.

Mindfulness can be adapted to your own needs and what feels comfortable to you. You may feel like standing up or walking feels best for you when learning to attend to your needs. Whatever it is, listen to yourself and your body. Don’t worry about your thoughts stopping, they will be there with you at all times. Learn to notice them, and start to let go.

Give yourself time

Practicing self-compassion requires time and patience but when we start paying attention to the way we speak to ourselves, it can give us a direction in how to move forward. Showing ourselves kindness and accepting our imperfections and flaws can improve our quality of life, and our relationships. Acknowledging that we all have imperfections.

So, take a pause, show yourself some compassion, commit to the practice. In this way you start to create resilience, set a foundation and a toolbox for yourself to begin healing. Because you deserve it. 

If you would like to start exploring how you can start practicing self-compassion towards yourself then book a session with me here and we can start getting curious about it together.

Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger then call 112 or your country’s crisis line, where professional mental health workers will be able to offer you appropriate support.